The Prince of Tennis Movie for Dummies
by Hatocchan
Summary: For those of you who couldn't find the animated Prince of Tennis movie, or the whole spare hour to watch it, here's an condensed version made fun for your reading enjoyment! Rated for language. Now with Atobe's Gift.
1. In Which There Are a Lot of Oranges

DISCLAIMER: (Insert something witty and along the lines of "I don't own Prince of Tennis" here.)

I watched a subbed version of this, so forgive me if I didn't get the right interpretation or whatever.

...Never mind. Let's just get on with this before I annoy myself further.

_**An orange randomly appears and turns something that looks like that has been drawn by a four year-old child. A voice suddenly speaks.**_

"You should find your grand dream too. Not that you'll hear me say something like this ever again."

Something flies across the screen. Unsurprisingly, it's a tennis ball. Or something that sounds like it's hitting a hard surface when it is obviously hitting grass.

Anyways, a tiny wanna-be ghetto child picks up the ball.

His name is Ryoma. The movie doesn't say that until a bit later, but I doubt anyone in the audience didn't know that. He also seems to be unable to wear anything but his sideways baseball cap and overalls outfit until he's over four feet tall, but that's not the point.

Mini!Ryoma suddenly has the brilliant idea to go and pick oranges high up in an orange tree which happens to be RIGHT THERE. How convenient!

Suddenly, a scary rapist appears in the bushes! OMFG!

Oh wait, never mind. It's just another kid who happens to be wearing the one of the ugliest shirts ever made. He ever-so coolly knocks down the orange that mini!Ryoma was try to get with a tennis ball.

"Gimme back my orange!" demands mini!Ryoma as he shimmies down the tree like it's his job.

The audience would like to point out that there are definitely more oranges up there, but if mini!Ryoma really wants THAT orange, then they're okay with it.

"Too bad." The ugly-shirt-wearing kid takes a bite of the orange, peel and all. Apparently, all the cool kids eat their oranges without peeling it. Everyone else thinks this is gross anyways.

The ugly-shirt-wearing kid then proceeds to somehow jump over mini!Ryoma from a standing position, strip down, dive over a cliff into the ocean, and swim away.

"I rock at making exits!" he exclaims excitedly as he swims towards nowhere.

"HEY!" yells mini!Ryoma, "I STILL WANT THAT ORANGE EVEN THOUGH YOU ALREADY TOOK A BITE, AND IT'S BEEN IN SEAWATER!"

_**And then…he woke up.**_

Ryoma opens his eyes to find a rather (not) ominous-looking figure standing over him who happens to be bouncing an orange in his hand.

"I really need to stop sniffing Sharpie markers before I sleep," says Ryoma, concluding that he is in a state of total delusion at the moment.

"Well, I feel hurt that you just totally did not make the connection between me and the dream you just had," the figure whines before disappearing.

_**Hey look! A huge cruise ship! **_

_**Prince of Tennis: Movie Edition-The Two Samurai: The First Game. Well, that's quite an annoyingly long title. **_

A guy with hair like a black broom and a somewhat nasal-sounding voice makes his entrance by pinching Ryoma's nose.

"What was that for, Momo-sempai?!" demands Ryoma angrily.

We now presume that the aforementioned guy's name is Momo. But everyone probably knows this already.

A kid with impossibly vivid crimson hair also decides to pop out of the ground. Everyone probably knows his name already too, even though the movie doesn't introduce him until five minutes later.

Momo and the crimson-haired kid then proceed to molest Ryoma while everyone else on cruise ship watches/ignores them as if this is something they see everyday.

"You guys!" Ryoma whines, "We're here to play TENNIS! Why do you think this movie is called the PRINCE of TENNIS?"

"You fool!" the crimson-haired kid scoffs. "That would be far too logical!"

Suddenly, a relatively old-looking man wearing a pink suit that clashes rather badly with his skin color decides to stroll over. He's accompanied by another guy who looks like he's around 24 years-old or so and wears glasses. Everyone probably knows his name too.

"Hey look!" the directors/animators say excitedly. "We made a random ominous cloud come out of thin air! Aren't you proud of us? We're so good at conveying foreboding!"

"Um…Tezuka-buchou? Who's that?" Momo asks in the glasses-wearer's general direction.

"Well…This is Sakurafubuki, and this ominous cloud floating above us totally does not imply that he is blatantly evil," Tezuka says. "And I don't feel like explaining the rest, so…roll the flashback!"

_**Somewhere in a building at sunset. It's called Seigaku Middle school, but the movie never tells you that. Everyone's standing in a group pose and the flashback rolls in. The audience will find out all their names later, if they don't know them already, which they probably do.**_

"Playing TENNIS on a cruise ship?" the boys chorus in an unrehearsed fashion.

"Yeah" says an old lady. Her name is Ryuuzaki, but no one will learn that from this movie. "This guy was too cheap to afford professional athletes, so he wants you guys to play instead."

"Oh, okay," says everyone.

A smiling, brown-haired boy with an excessively feminine voice, "For some reason, I think it'll be fun playing tennis on a ship. But we're only middle school students, despite the fact almost all of us look like high-schoolers or older."

"Who cares!? I've never been on a cruise ship before!" yells a guy with huge eyebrows.

"Yay! Cruise ship!" squeal Momo and the crimson-haired kid.

"I'm going to start an argument with Momo because it's pretty much the only chance I have to show my personality," snarls a bandana-wearing boy who has OBVIOUSLY gone through puberty.

"And I'll stop you because it's pretty much the only chance I have to show my personality too," says a boy with an egg-shaped head and one of the weirdest hairstyles ever.

"I don't really show any personality at all," mutters a pale guy wearing really thick, square glasses. "In fact, there's a 78 percent chance no one really notices me here because I don't really say anything and I'm hidden mostly behind Ryoma."

"ANYWAYS," Tezuka says. "Let's go!"

"I think it's a good idea to let a bunch of middle school boys go on a cruise without any chaperones!" Ryuuzaki cheers happily. "Have fun, kids!"

_**The scene goes to Ryoma being thrown in a pool on the cruise ship.**_

"HAHA," Momo taunts, "I told you we were here to play tennis."

"Darn," pouts the crimson-haired kid.

"What about me? I feel ignored," complains Ryoma.

Sakurafubuki leers at him like a child molester.

"Okay. Never mind."

_**OMG TENNIS COURTS.**_

"Hey, feel like giving our team members some really brief introductions?" Momo asks the crimson-haired kid.

"Not really. I mean, it's not like anyone who's actually watching this doesn't know who we are."

But Momo goes ahead and attempts to look cool while saying something along the lines of, "The guy with an egg-shaped head is Oishi, and the bandana-wearing boy who has OBVIOUSLY gone through puberty is Kaidoh. We like to call him Viper. But everyone probably knows that already."

Then Ryoma strolls up and tells everyone that the pale kid wearing square glasses is Inui, and the guy with huge eyebrows is Kawamura. But everyone probably knows that already too.

Suddenly, Kawamura decides to have a racket-induced BURNING! spasm on the field. The people watching them apparently find this very amusing and begin to applaud.

Meanwhile, the audience wonders what type of people would wear tuxedos and silk dresses to watch a tennis match at midday in the sun.

"Hey! I want some of that attention!" Momo decides. "Play against me, Eiji!"

"Okay! But we have to play doubles even though we only have three people!"

"Oh don't worry. Someone will show up sooner or later. It's like, good script writing or something like that."

Momo turns to the Ryoma. "Be my doubles partner, Echizen," he says.

"We suck at doubles," sighs Ryoma, "But since you FINALLY officially introduced me, and since I'm the main protagonist, I guess I have to."

Then Momo decides that throttling Ryoma just for the sake of it is going to increase their chances of winning.

Eiji moves away from the two other boys in a nervous fashion. It doesn't really matter because all the people sitting around the gigantic tennis area watch/ignore Momo throttling Ryoma as if it's something they see everyday.

Anyways, Eiji waves at the smiling, brown-haired boy we saw earlier. He is, in fact, still smiling. Non-Prince of Tennis fans who are watching this (if any) are slightly creeped out. Everyone else has just gotten used to it.

"Fuji! We've got some easy kills—I mean—opponents for doubles! Wanna play?"

Fuji smiles. "Sure," he says in his excessively feminine voice.

Fuji and Eiji then proceed to kick Momo and Ryoma's asses.

_**Meanwhile…high above the city of Gotham—no, wait...**_

"I'm chuckling in a manner which totally does not, in any shape or form, imply that I am evil," chuckles Sakurafubuki. "In the meantime, I'll reintroduce the Seigaku members to the viewers, even though they probably know more about Seigaku than I do."

_**OMG BACK TO THE TENNIS COURT.**_

"Hey, look," Fuji comments pleasantly, "Some generic characters that we get to lay smack down on later."

"And don't you forget it," says the apparent leader of the group in an imposing manner.

A guy who looks suspiciously like an older Ryoma suddenly appears with an orange in hand.

"Long time, no see!" he says to Ryoma cheerfully.

"Who the hell are you?" Ryoma promptly asks.

The guy takes a bite of the orange in his hand, peel and all.

"Ew!" exclaims everyone present.

"Oh," Ryoma says. "YOU."

"I'm Echizen Ryoga," grins the slightly older Ryoma clone.

A beat of silence.

"…wtf?" asks Fuji.

"The directors weren't very original, were they?" Eiji remarks sympathetically.

"It's like you're just a rip-off purely made for the movie or something like that," Momo adds.

"I'll pretend to ignore that," says Ryoga.

_**Cue pretty lame transition to nighttime.**_

_**A fat cook tries to look cool by cutting up the ugliest fish ever. The onlookers feel bad for him and give him sympathy applause. **_

"You're just jealous 'cause I'm a pimp," smirks Ryoga.

"You're just jealous 'cause my team looks damn sexy in suits," Tezuka says, completely stone-faced.

"You're just jealous 'cause I live on this cruise ship."

"You're just jealous 'cause we get more than an hour of screen time."

"Well…You're just jealous 'cause you don't have an international team that speaks nearly perfect Japanese."

"You're just jealous 'cause your team sucks anyways."

"…Dammit."

_**And now for something completely different.**_

"Hey kids, I'm here to add sex appeal," purrs Atobe, sitting in his super-fancy-shmancy mansion and talking on his super-fancy-shmancy phone. "I'll actually have somewhat of an influential role later. Not really though."

"Unlike me," says a bespectacled, blue-haired boy on the other end of the phone. "I'm in here because my sexy Kansai accent boosts popularity." His name's Oshitari. The movie doesn't really tell the audience that, but everyone probably knows already.

"And I'm on loop," chirps a boy with peculiar-looking fuchsia hair. His name's Gakuto. He's only in the movie because EVERYONE knows he's attached to Oshitari at the hip.

_**Back to the ship.**_

"Well, I have to pee," Inui announces, feeling the need to alert the entire world.

"I'll come with you," Ryoma says. Because, apparently, this is something totally not considered awkward at all.

_**Isn't this a cruise ship? Shouldn't each room have its own bathroom? Jeez.**_

"Oh. Em. Gee!" Inui exclaims.

"What's wrong?" asks Ryoma.

"There's WALLPAPER in the BATHROOM."

A pause.

"…Um…Ohhhkay, Inui-sempai…"

_**Look at that blatantly fake-looking pan of a fancy room!**_

Oishi oogles at the glory of the back drop for a bit.

"Lose the matches on purpose," Sakurafubuki demands suddenly.

"OMGWTFNO," yell Oishi and Tezuka in tandem. Except Tezuka doesn't really look all that panicked because he either got his face injected with Botox or has the emotional capabilities of a brick. Or both.

"Well, I'm TRYING to scam people out of their money through gambling on tennis," Sakurafubuki explains.

Oishi and Tezuka look at each other and decide not to tell Sakurafubuki this quite possibly one of the stupidest ideas ever to con people out of their money. The audience agrees.

"Everyone decided to defy common sense and bet on you middle-schoolers over our high-school team," adds Ryoga, "Or maybe it was rather bad script writing or something like that."

Tezuka shrugs. "I look like I should be in college anyways, so it doesn't really matter."

"ANYWAYS," says Sakurafubuki, "Lose the matches. Or else."

The fat cook comes in right on queue, does a little knife trick, stabs this cooked chicken he's holding, and generally tries to look threatening. This effectively fails when the chicken appears to be made out of rubber, seeing as it squeaks every time the cook stabs it again in an attempt to look imposing.

_**Scene change. Again.**_

"Alright, guys," Tezuka calls, "Group huddle."

Everyone gathers around like they're in a secret club or something.

"I need everyone's opinions on not returning to Japan if we don't throw the matches," says Tezuka.

"Why can't you just say we're going to die?" asks Inui.

"No. We're supposed to be in middle-school. We're aimed at middle-school audiences. Saying that we're going to die will somehow have negative effects on our viewers' mental states."

"Oh."

"Well, not returning to Japan doesn't sound bad," says Momo. "Let's go to Spain instead, or something."

Everyone stares at Momo for a bit.

"Well ANYWAYS, we're THE Seigaku Tennis Club with capital letters," says Eiji. "It's not POSSIBLE for us to throw tennis matches!"

"There'd be no point in the movie if we did," everyone agrees.

_**The emo corner/ the poolside.**_

Ryoma decides to have a flashback. It really isn't all that important, so Ryoga decides to smack Ryoma out of it by throwing an orange at his head.

"You fail at life," laughs Ryoga.

"Oh yeah?!" Ryoma says, a bit miffed. He decides that whacking his brother in the head with an orange will make things all better.

Too bad it fails.

"HEY! That's not possible!" Ryoma yells as Ryoga ignores the fact that an orange should not be as bouncy as a tennis ball.

"Oh, you and your laws of physics," sighs Ryoga.

_**OMG TENNIS COURT. AT NIGHT!**_

Ryoga turns around to find a scary rapist in the shadows! OMFG!

Oh wait. It's just Tezuka.

"I'm appealing to your morality," Tezuka informs Ryoga.

"What makes you think I have any?," Ryoga responds cheerily.

"You're Ryoma's brother."

"…Works for me!" shrugs Ryoga.

_**OMG TENNIS COURTS THE NEXT DAY. And OMG MATCH! **_

MOMOKAI FANGIRLS GO WILD!

The players bat the ball around for a bit before Momo decides to go ahead and use a dunk smash that somehow manages to fly OVER the gigantic arena lights and off the ship.

"WHOO! I'm the first Seigaku member to break the laws of physics in this movie!" he cheers.

Kaidoh gets his turn in the spotlight too, but it doesn't look nearly as good.

Meanwhile, Sakurafubuki seems to have expected the protagonists to actually listen to him.

"Well, it's not a game until I say my catch phrase," says Tezuka. "Yudan senzu ikou."

Then the directors decide that Momo and Kaidoh make popularity rating go up enough, so they skip everyone else's matches.

_**What is Eiji doing? Does he normally scale the side of cruise ships for fun? Anyways, he ends up RIGHT outside Sakurafubuki's room. How convenient. **_

"Um…Meow, meow, I'm a cat!" Eiji says.

"Of course you are, sweetie," responds Sakurafubuki. "Now go and tell your team members that I'm an evil bastard who manipulated my team into playing you guys."

"Oh. Okay!" chirps Eiji as he skips away like the cute little thing he is.

_**Apparently, all of the Seigaku boys share a suite. Yaoi fangirls could have sorts of fun with this idea.**_

The fat cook, along with some guards, attempts to impose on the Seigaku members.

"Gasp!" cries Eiji. "They must've followed me!"

Mmhmm. No way.

"We're gonna hold you hostage now to build tension and attempt to sway the singles players to lose on purpose," announces the cook.

"Um…not really. We're protagonists in middle school. And it's OUR show."

"Could you NOT burst my bubble?!" demands the cook, on the verge of tears.

"Tezuka, Ryoma, and I will play along, if it makes you feel better," says Fuji, smiling that extra creepy smile of his.

"Really?" sniffles the cook.

"Of course."

_**Ryoga has an orange-induced flashback as Ryoma walks by. If you haven't figured it out by now, Ryoga has some sort of orange-obsession problem.**_

"For some reason, your oranges remind me of Nanjirou saying 'Tennis allows you to see a grand dream in the grand world.' Even though I'm pretty sure he's never ever said it again," Ryoma tells Ryoga.

Then Ryoga has yet another half-flashback, in which he is holding yet ANOTHER orange.

Then he finally realizes that his obsession with oranges may be just a tad bit unhealthy.

_**OMG TENNIS COURT.**_

"Well, well. I'm playing someone who actually has a name," Fuji comments. "Too bad I have to comply with the script and manipulate the match so I can't completely dominate him."

_**The sign says Seigaku Waiting Room.**_

"Hey guys," says Oishi in an extremely loud whisper. "I think we need to escape."

"No way," whispers Momo.

"Who would've thought," adds Inui.

_**OMG BACK TO THE TENNIS COURTS. **_

Fuji begins to glow. His opponent doesn't seem to be the least bit bothered by it and smashes the tennis ball. Fuji stops glowing and is left on the ground in possibly the most un-Fuji pose with the most un-Fuji expression on his face.

"Fuji-sempai stopped his Higuma Otoshi on purpose, didn't he, Tezuka-buchou?" Ryoma asks.

"Boy, you're a bright one."

_**Seigaku Waiting Room.**_

"What some patented Inui juice?" Inui asks the fat cook. "It helps for sea sickness."

Apparently, the cook never learned from his mommy to never, ever accept food from strangers. Especially the ones you're trying to hold hostage. After he passes out, Inui takes the time to explain that the cruise ship isn't really a cruise ship. It's actually something more along the lines of a floating cardboard box made for Sakurafubuki's ridiculous attempt at a scam. Meanwhile, the audience wonders if Japan has ANY safety inspection at all.

"Let's be noble and save Sakurafubuki's team!" exclaims Oishi.

"And I'll go tell Tezuka so that Fuji doesn't have to lose his match on purpose!" exclaims Momo.

Everyone pauses a moment to shudder at the though of losing intentionally.

_**OMG BACK TO THE TENNIS COURT.**_

"Hey, who's that guy waving his arms like a lunatic on top of the stands?" Ryoma asks.

"…I think we're hallucinating," Tezuka comments. "No one else seems to be able to see him."

"Wait a minute, that's Momo!" exclaims Fuji.

Momo and Fuji play charades for a bit before Fuji decides to go lay smack-down on his opponent.

"Sorry," says Fuji, as he starts glowing. "I'm going to have to kick your ass now." Once again, his opponent seems to ignore all the glowing and the white wind that Fuji's emitting and smashes the tennis ball down.

"It's Higuma Otoshi time!" Fuji announces.

And the crowd goes wild. This isn't just tennis anymore, this is SUPER COOLIO OMFGWTFBBQ tennis! You win get extra points by knocking your opponent out of the court.

Meanwhile, Momo does something incredibly stupid.

"The protagonists ignored me!" yells Sakurafubuki. "AGAIN!"

"I guess that's my queue," says Tezuka.

"The buchous are suppose to play each other, aren't they?" Ryoma asks.

"Well, the movie would be even more pointless if you didn't face your brother."

"I guess so."

_**Time jump.**_

"That French guy is going to have his ass handed to him," Fuji remarks.

"And I'll do in style," Tezuka says.

Only he doesn't, really, because the directors decided to use the most retarded animation ever in an attempt to symbolize Tezuka's tennis-god-on-Earth-ness that would make even the voice actors crack up over it.

"WTF?" wonders the audiences.

"Um…Fuji-sempai?" Ryoma asks. "I think Tezuka-buchou just wiped out the dinosaurs."

"So it would seem."

"Hey!" demands Tezuka's opponent. "Isn't causing mass destruction, like, against the rules or something? And I'm pretty sure that ball went out."

"No," Tezuka says. "You just fail at life."

_**Sakurafubuki decides to give his team some pep talk.**_

"You guys suck," pouts Sakurafubuki.

"You're the one who thought of this plan," Ryoga reminds his employer.

_**What's a good animated movie without a chase scene of some sort?**_

Oishi calmly checks his watch.

"So…" Inui starts. "We should start running right about…"

"HEY LOOK! THERE THEY ARE!"

"Now."

_**OMG HIGH ABOVE THE TENNIS COURTS.**_

"Now if most of the people on this ship bet on the older, most likely more experienced high-schoolers like logical people, I would've made a lotta cash." sighs Sakurafubuki.

He then reasons that convincing everyone on his ship that his team sucks so they'd better increase their bets on Ryoma is going to make everything better. Of course, he's planning to force Ryoma to lose on purpose, but he fails to realize this IS Ryoma's series.

_**OMG TENNIS COURTS.**_

"You should lose the match," says Ryoga. "Sakurafubuki will—"

"It's my series. I can't lose. They're middle school protagonists. Something's gonna get SUED if they die," replies Ryoma, quirking an eyebrow.

Ryoga serves the ball. Ryoma tries to hit it back, only to find—

"SWEET MERCIFUL HEAVENS, IT'S A TWIST SERVE!" yells everyone.

Ryoga smirks. "How's that?"

"Mine's better, I can shoot it at people's faces."

Ryoga smacks the tennis ball off Ryoma's head in frustration.

"…He should have lost that point" says Fuji, seeing as both he and Tezuka have become the official commentators for this match.

"This is SUPER COOLIO OMFGWTFBBQ tennis, Fuji," Tezuka explains. "He can get away with that."

_**A random billiards room.**_

The people throughout the cruise ship seem to be mostly unbothered by the fact several crew members are chasing a couple of minors with weapons. And in Oishi's case, using them as dartboards.

_**OMG TENNIS COURTS.**_

"Watch me do a kung-fu move!" yells Ryoga. "Except not really."

_**Oh yay. Stairs.**_

"Fshu," goes Kaidoh. "Okay, that's the limit my allotted characterization in this movie."

_**Somewhere else.**_

Eiji runs like a little girl while being chased by gangsters, a chainsaw murderer-wannabe, a nurse, a Chinese medicine man, and a one-eyed, one-legged wooden umbrella straight out of a Kirby game.

_**OMG BACK TO THE TENNIS COURTS.**_

Ryoma decides to do a somersault.

_**A boiler room because the directors apparently think the audience's attention span is going down the drain.**_

"Wow," Inui says. "Let's slow down and realize we're in a boiler room despite the fact we've most likely been in this room for awhile."

Eiji suddenly spots a shiny object of sorts and runs off just in time to avoid being held at gunpoint by a random worker.

Instead of taking advantage of this situation and knocking out the gun-wielder with one of the many pipes lying around or something like that, Eiji decides to play charades over the worker's shoulder with Oishi. Needless to say, the gun-wielding guy notices Eiji and shoots at him because he thinks it's smart to put holes in the equipment of run-down boiler that's keeping the ship afloat.

Eiji pulls a Matrix move and dodges.

"Protagonist powers, can't live without them!" he chirps as he and the others sprint off.

_**OMG BACK TO THE TENNIS COURTS.**_

No one seems remotely panicked when a huge cyclone giving off electricity starts up in the middle of the tennis courts.

Ryoga gets knocked out of the court.

"OMG CYCLONE SMASH!" cheers Momo like the Ryoma fanboy he secretly is.

Fuji frowns. "I'm pretty sure there wasn't that much space between the court and the wall during my match and Ryoma's ball should be probably out or void…"

Tezuka gives him a funny look. "Fuji. Stop thinking. It'll only make things worse."

Ryoma then attempts an OMG CYCLONE SMASH PART II! Except this time Ryoga figures that diving in a purple swirling tornado is much better than being hit with a ball in the stomach.

"He returned it!" yells everyone.

Too bad it fails.

"What the hell?" Ryoga cries in indignation as Ryoma ignores the fact that spontaneous rotation at tornado-worthy speeds in midair should be impossible.

"You and your laws of physics," Ryoma sighs.

"And we'll try to make Ryoga's sex appeal to go up by giving the audience a camera shot of his ass," the directors decide.

_**Cue flashback, but Sakurafubuki decides it's unimportant so he interrupts.**_

"HEY! I FOUND THE SEIGAKU MEMBERS!" he yells.

The crowd watches/ignores him as if seeing minors being held at knife and gunpoint is something they see everyday.

"Like I said," Ryoga shrugs. "You'd better lose."

"It's MY series. I CAN'T lose. They're middle school PROTAGONISTS. Something's gonna get SUED if they DIE," says Ryoma, clearly getting annoyed.

Ryoga FINALLY gets the point that he is going to lose no matter what he tries.

Then he and Ryoma proceed to speak in a code that involves oranges before Ryoga decides to give into the light by knocking the fat cook out with a tennis ball.

"HEY!" yells the cook as Ryoga ignores the fact that a ball can't go directly horizontal in midair after being hit upwards.

"To celebrate Ryoga coming over the light," Oishi says, "LET'S BOY PILE ON THE GUN WIELDER!"

_**Meanwhile…**_

"Mada mada dane," Ryoma says to Ryoga. "I can hit Sakurafubuki with my tennis ball on a physically possible course."

"Hey look!" the directors/animators say proudly. "We made ANOTHER random cloud come out of thin air!"

"Hey Tezuka," says Fuji. "The directors/animators' omnious, foreboding cloud says we should leave now."

"Okay," agrees Tezuka.

"What about Ryoma?"

"I'm sure he won't mind if we just abandon him."

_**Cue explosion of the cruise ship's smoke stacks. **_

"AHHHHH! SINKING SHIP!" yells everyone.

"AHHHHH! TENNIS BALL!" yells Ryoma.

Then the ship's staff just stand around blinking as everyone else, quite reasonably, panics.

"I'll use my SUPER-AUTHORITY ability to evacuate everyone," says Tezuka. "Because apparently, they've got the wits akin to a bunch of panicked sheep and will be unable to rescue themselves if we don't do something."

"And we'll use our protagonist powers to appear in strategic locations around the ship to help," chorus the Seigaku members.

_**Small time jump.**_

"I'm getting Titanic vibes here," says Eiji.

"All we need are some people falling into the water" agrees Momo.

Some of the panicking people shove Eiji and Momo overboard.

"Well, fancy that," says Momo on the way down.

_**OMG TENNIS COURTS.**_

"Don't you think we should be REALLY getting off this ship?" asks Ryoga.

"I'm protagonist. I can't die," Ryoma snorts before kicking up another cyclone. Except this one spontaneously combusts and multiplies.

"Well, shit," Ryoga says.

Ryoga-mon, I choose you! Attack with SURF!

A huge tidal wave somehow manages only to wash over the tennis court area, successfully turning it into a fishbowl.

Suddenly, a fiery column of doom comes out of nowhere. Of course, Ryoma and Ryoga have to floating in the right middle of the flaming cyclone, just for the heck of it.

Then, for some reason, Ryoma and Ryoga BOTH go for the ball at the SAME time. OMG.

But hey, by now, the audience has probably figured out that any logic has long been completely removed from this movie. If there's cyclones and tidal waves, then we can suppose the rules of tennis no longer count either.

"WE CAN FLY! WE CAN FLY! WE CAN FLY!" Ryoma and Ryoga both yell as they go after the ball, which somehow been shot upwards. Ryoma gets red pixie dust while Ryoga gets blue.

_**It's a bit of a long way up, so Ryoma and Ryoga decide to show some flashbacks. **_

The animators fervently hope that no one notices that Ryoma and Ryoga switched their pixies at one point.

"Well, I'll just be leaving now," says Ryoga.

Ryoma begins to glow all the colors of the rainbow and other grand things.

"**Moon Prism POWER!" **he yells.

_**OMG trashed TENNIS COURTS.**_

"You…just totally owned my ass," Ryoga says.

_**And what's a movie without an ending at sunset?**_

Atobe paddles by on a boat. "I told you I had an important part," he says proudly. "It's a good thing that Japanese police are efficient enough to make an arrest on somebody the day after they receive a tip from a fifteen-year-old like me."

Ryoga and Ryoma then make a pretty cool entrance on a Wavecoaster and Seigaku regulars decide that it'll be spiffy to greet them by saying "Echizen!" one by one in a rapid manner.

"Trade you your hat for this orange," Ryoga suddenly offers. "It's suppose to have deep meaning behind it."

"Sure," Ryoma says.

"YAHOO!" cheers Ryoga like the Ryoma fanboy he secretly is.

The Seigaku members find this somewhat disturbing and all stare at him instead of helping Ryoma out of the water.

Then Ryoga decides to ride his Wavecoaster off into the sunset.

"I rock at making exits!" he exclaims excitedly as he speeds off towards nowhere.

"A grand dream," Ryoma suddenly sighs romantically as the credits begin to roll.

And the directors throw a picture of an orange in there. Just for fun.

_**Fin.**_


	2. Atobe's Gift aka Straight Crack

_Thanks to all the reviewers! I really wasn't expecting anything, so whadda wonderful suprise! _

_So here's Atobe's Gift just like some of you requested. The subs on my version veritably sucked, so please forgive me if I've gotten anything wrong. But this fic is crack, so it probably won't matter anyways._

_**A ballroom?**_

"What the hell?" asks the audience. "This isn't DISNEY.

_**Prince of Tennis Drama: Atobe's Gift.**_

**_Atobe's house looks even BIGGER since the last movie. If that's even possible._**

"Ahem," Atobe announces. "Don't you think my rose-tinted glasses look incredibly sexy?"

His generic Hyoutei clone army agrees.

Then Atobe decides those glasses totally clash with his hair and throws them away.

"Anyways, whatever happens here doesn't really affect the rest of the movie. Right, Kabaji?"

"Usu," says Kabaji, completely deadpan as usual.

"I'll narrow my eyes dramatically now," says Atobe. "Which totally does NOT mean there is something wrong with Kabaji."

"Get on with it!" yells Sakaki.

_**A gigantic arena. **_

A gigantic limo pulls up. Of course, Atobe steps out.

Fangirls swoon.

"FINALLY," Atobe says. "If ANYONE in the series should be shown off in a suit, it's me."

_**The lavender color of the arena clashes rather badly with the color of the booths. But hey, it's Atobe's movie. If he wants really bad color-coordination, so be it.**_

"I am not here," Akutsu says. "No one will notice me coming to this gay-ass party and--"

"AKUTSU!" squeals Dan.

"Dammit."

_**Somewhere else**_

"AHHHH!" Kamio cries. "Tachibana's not interesting enough, so the directors turned in him into a wanna-be Inui! My world is shattered!"

He then figures that running away and screaming like a little girl is going to make things better.

"Hey kid," Inui says, popping out of the ground, "Want some fluorescent Inui juice?"

Kamio blinks and then figures that running away and screaming like a little girl is going to make things better. Again

**_A soccer field._**

"Why the hell are we doing playing SOCCER, dane?!" demands Yanagisawa.

"I don't know!" Yuuta responds angrily, trying to take his frustration out by kicking the ball towards the goal.

"Inside joke for Whistle! anime fans!" hisses Kaidoh as he catches the ball.

"Kaidoh's quite a soccer star," Fuji comments.

We all know he's secretly plotting revenge against Kaidoh for blocking Yuuta's goal, but that's beside the point.

_**Presumed basketball courts.**_

"Why are we not playing tennis?" demands Kirihara.

"I don't know," Sanada replies. "But if Seigaku is a kick-ass soccer team, then we have to be equally kick-ass at basketball."

"I'm still as medically inhibited as ever, so this is pretty much the only time you'll see me in this movie," says Yukimura.

_**Somewhere else. **_

Arai thinks it's smart to try his kill-the-can scam when nearly all the major tennis teams of Kantou are in the amusement park.

**_Another one of the 30-some settings in this movie._**

Ojii dies. Or at least sounds like it.

He's actually gaping and pointing openly at Jackal.

"Is there something on my face?" Jackal asks.

"You cut your hair!"

"Uh...thanks for stating the obvious?"

Kaneda suddenly comes out of nowhere, crying, "My love life with buchou has gone down the drain!"

"We're so neglected!" complain the Jimmies, popping out of the ground.

"So are we!" mourn Muromachi, Sakurai, and some random guy from St. Rudolph as they spontaneously appear.

"Well, okay then," says Jackal as he pretty much just stands there.

But it doesn't really matter because Ojii pulls a totally Jiroh moment and falls asleep.

_**A speaker box. How EXCITING!**_

"The real fun of the movie starts now!" Horio exclaims. "Except not really."

"And Atobe spent way too much money constructing this place, so he had to hire us as announcers!" chorus Kachiro and Katsuo.

_**Outside a random building.**_

Kabaji watches a girl in a sundress and a gigantic hat walk by in SLOW MOTION with corny piano music and sparkles.

"Oh dear GOD, no," the audience says.

"I'll use my protagonist powers to immediately know that Kabaji is staring at that random girl and do absolutely nothing about it," says Momo, who just happens to be conveniently nearby.

_**Somewhere else. **_

Sakuno seems like the most unlikely person to run up to Atobe with a microphone and try to interview him.

Meanwhile, the audience wonders what type of interview is conducted with a microphone, but no video camera or any other recording device whatsoever.

_**A street of booths.**_

"Heehee," the directors twitter. "We'll stick some characters in here and pan over really fast so only losers who take the time to rewind and rewatch will notice them."

_**A haunted house. **_

"What the hell is YANAGI doing here?!" demands Marui.

"I'm not telling you," replies Yanagi, "But hanging upside-down like this is making me turn blue."

Suddenly, Shinji literally pops out of the ground and starts complaining about being turned into a ghost. I mean, that shade of translucent green TOTALLY clashes with his complexion.

Meanwhile, Yagyuu faints while standing up due to lack of breath from desperately trying to hold in snickers upon seeing Yanagi hanging upside down in a nightgown.

**_Quiz show!_**

"Heya!" chirps Ann. "Atobe couldn't afford Vanna White, so I was hired instead!"

"Why are we up here?" ask Aoi and Ishida.

Jiroh snores in agreement.

_**And now for something completely different.  
**_

"We're here to take up six seconds of your life," chorus Saeki, Akazawa, and Oshitari as they proceed to look excessively sexy in suits.

_**Another stage.**_

"What the HELL is Oishi wearing on his head?" asks the audience.

"It's a swimming cap with hair," answers Oishi without moving his mouth.

"Since Oishi's godawful wig is sorta bringing down the sex appeal of this scene, I'll go ninja!" exclaims Fuji.

_**Concert hall.**_

Wakato just goes and totally blows up the stage's power supply.

_**Somewhere else.**_

Inoue tries to wheedle the reason for hosting a huge event out of Atobe.

Atobe gets sufficiently fed up with this and just leaves with Kabaji. Apparently, the reason for building an amusement park is some REALLY BIG SECRET.

_**DATING GAME!**_

"This is where I got the microphone from!" Sakuno announces.

"We support pedophilia!" yells Tomoka, considering all the boys are in middle school and the youngest female is Ryoma's cousin.

"Shishido!" Choutarou suddenly cries, stricken. "What are YOU doing up there? What about us?!"

He doesn't really say that, but everyone knows he was thinking it.

"Niou tricked me!" Shishido exclaims, equally as distressed.

"You SO should have said something lewd," Niou sighs. "Too bad this fic is rated T."

"Erm…Obaa-san," Sakuno says, turning to Ryuuzaki, "Please consider the age group."

Because apparently, having a middle-schooler being compatible with a 70-some year-old is SO MUCH worse than having a middle-schooler being compatible with Akutsu's mother.

"Hey," Ryuuzaki insists, "I WANT to date a middle school student!"

The Golden Pair drags Ryuuzaki away forcibly.

"MY EYES!" the audience members cry, either slapping their hands over their faces or shuddering uncontrollably at the sight of Ryuuzaki in fishnets.

"ANYWAYS," Tomoka yells, "Let's begin."

Shishido looks pretty much like something nasty crawled up his ass and died while Shinjyou pathetically tries to hit on Hanamura.

Then the compatibility machine suddenly computes that this dating game is just way too many shades of wrong. So it blows up.

No one appears to really register the fact that something just exploded in their faces.

_**Somewhere outside.**_

The audience wonders why the girl in the sundress and huge hat hasn't noticed Kabaji blatantly stalking her.

**_OMG RACE TRACK._**

"OMG FINALE RELAY RACE THING!" cheer Sakuno and Tomoka.

_**OMG…swimming pool?**_

"This is for the fangirls, Tezuka," Atobe says.

"Yudan senzu ikou," Tezuka replies.

"Apparently, we're going to swim in track clothing," Sanada comments.

"And our shorts are so short, they could pretty much considered spankie pants," Atobe notes.

**_OMG BACK TO THE TRACK._**

"GET ON WITH IT!" cheers Sakaki.

"Yosh! I'm on EXPRESSO, I mean, my RHYTHM!" yells Kamio. Then he falls flat on his face.

_**HANDOFF.**_

Itsuki makes some snow angels while doing that train-whistle-nose thing of his.

"THIS IS MY ONLY LINE IN THIS MOVIE!" yells burning!Kawamura.

_**HANDOFF at a…slide?**_

"Comic relief, except not really!" exclaims Gakuto as he totally just crashes into Muromachi.

"OMG Drama!" yells Inui as he runs toward a white light.

"If the crack and indecent track shorts aren't enough incentive to see this movie," say the directors, "We'll throw in a shot of Inui's eyes as a bonus!"

_**On top of a mountain.**_

"How the hell did I not notice this before?" Inui asks himself.

The audience totally agrees.

_**HANDOFF.**_

Apparently, the Tenipuri characters have NO problems in skiing/snowboarding/sledding down a snowy mountain on top of a rather high building with no guard railings in tank tops and shorts.

_**OMG SWIMMING POOL.**_

"I love a good game of Chicken," announces Ryoma.

Fangirls in the audience squeal at the sight of so many Tenipuri boys shirtless at the same time.

Meanwhile, Kirihara totally steals someone's swimming trunks/spankie pants by waving his arms around randomly.

"ECHIZEN!" yells Tezuka, looking SO distressed.

"BUCHOOOOUUUUU!" responds Ryoma, almost as if this is some sort of retarded mating call.

"You shouldn't wear your wrist sweatbands in the swimming pool, Ryoma," says Tezuka before running off.

"Fan service time!" yells Atobe, chasing after Tezuka.

_**OMG BACK TO THE TRACK. Ah ha. Rhyme.**_

"I pretty much only get protagonist powers right now to notice the screws and bolts on the ground from at least five meters away," comments Atobe. "And it's SO obvious that the huge metal 'Finish' sign is going to fall right on top of Tezuka and me."

Of course, Tezuka keeps running.

"TEZUKA!" yells Atobe.

CRASH! goes the sign.

"OH MY GAWD!" screams everyone else.

Then they pretty much sit in their seats and wait for something to happen

_**And when the smoke clears...**_

Atobe so totally RIGHT on top of Tezuka.

And the fangirls go wild.

"Don't take this the wrong way," Atobe tells Tezuka.

"Atobe, we're bathed in a romantic golden light, and you're pretty much right on top of me. Of COURSE I'm not going to take this the wrong way," Tezuka retorts.

"Anyways, I somehow sprained my knee. You're going to have to carry me across the finish line."

"…"

"Like I said, this is for the fangirls."

_**All the other places.**_

"Oh, just kiss and get on with it already," sighs Momo.

_**Back to the stadium.**_

"Here," says a random old guy, "Have a trophy with Atobe's face on it."

"My sprain suddenly feels better," says Atobe.

_**Nighttime at a bonfire dance with Eiji as DJ.  
**_

This movie wouldn't be complete without Karupin!

_**Some undisclosed location of a disco where people are slow dancing. **_

…

_**Okay.**_

_**Back to the bonfire. **_

Kabaji and the girl in the sundress and huge hat start slow dancing.

Audience members' eyebrows shift upwards.

"By the way," Inoue says, "That's Kabaji's older sister, even if she looks absolutely nothing like him. She's getting married soon."

Oh. Okay.

"By the way," Atobe adds, "I built this park for Kabaji's birthday today."

"Actually, my birthday's not today," replies Kabaji.

"Oh," says Atobe. "Well, it is now."

**_It's… not nighttime anymore?_**

"And that's all, folks," says Atobe. "But not really."

"Get on with it," intones Sakaki.

_**Outside the dome…where it IS nighttime.**_

Holy shit.

Never mind those 13 square blocks of city buildings that just disappeared, there's goddamn airplane at least a mile long and a launch pad the size of a small town under the amusement park.

"Laws of physics? Psht. My family BOUGHT the laws of physics," scoffs Atobe.

"And at least a fourth of the world's fuel supply," adds Oshitari.

_**High above Tokyo.**_

Apparently, Tokyo is an endless mass of tiny lights as far the eye can see.

And Atobe is STILL rich enough to cut a whole district's power supply and get away with it.

The audience figures that Atobe MUST be related to Bill Gates and Donald Trump and everyone in between.

Meanwhile, everyone in the amusement park seems totally unbothered by the fact that Atobe is pretty much kidnapping all of them in that gigantic plane of his.

And so they partied all through the night.

Fin

* * *

It's easier to make fun of serious stuff, so yeah. Don't hurt me. xD 

I do realize submitting this on a whim after Thanksgiving dinner isn't the best idea, so if anyone caught grammar/punctuation/errors, feel free to tell. I'm not really even thinking coherently at this point. But happy Thanksgiving, everyone!


End file.
